Who The F*** Am I? Introspective Musings

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Entry 2: Loneliness, or the illusion of it. Or the confusion of it all.

If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that’s I love creativity, humor and people (that’s three things, Ben). Right. Now we’ll focus on people.

I love people. I mean, yeah, some of them really suck the hope and life out of you, but for the most part, people are phenomenal. I believe man is innately good, and that’s what I see in most of the people I’ve encountered, or at least taken the time to connect with. I’ve yet to be proven wrong, but that’s not what this entry is about.

My goal is to figure out why I can’t be without people. Or at least one person. I cannot be alone. Seriously. I would be dead in 2 days if I was stranded on a deserted island. I once locked myself in my house for a week to crank out a movie I was writing… every hour I would check my phone, hoping someone had texted me. I’d scroll through feeds three times as often as I typically would. I couldn’t get things done because I felt on edge.

But don’t get me wrong, I don’t have Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO). I don’t really do the same things most people do. I’m a workaholic (obviously I work in public places), I party one-tenth of the average college kid, and I’m not a social media hound, depending on your definition. I like to think I engage with people on a much more personal level than most — I find myself having conversations over food, or in place of homework rather than attending lots of events. I’m not sure what picture I’m painting of myself, but I think it’s atypical. I don’t need to follow the bandwagon, but I do need to be around at least one person.

Otherwise I feel empty (that sounds overdramatic). But yeah, that’s the word to describe it.

I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing. I’m not sure if I have to cut out people cold turkey in order to “find myself” — bleh — or if this is a trait that, although oftentimes emotionally taxing, is a positive one. Maybe we should weigh the pros and cons.

Pros:

  • … uhh….
  • Buffering?
  • Yeah, I got nothing.

Cons:

  • I can’t go two hours without wanting to do something with someone
  • It makes me sad very quickly
  • I then feel stupid because I feel unjustly sad
  • I’ve never known someone who shares this trait, or at least the gravity to which I seem to have it. Most people are fine being alone
  • I lie to myself — it creates this illusion of friendlessness, even if I know it not to be the case

Okay, so maybe this is a bad thing. But before I hold myself accountable, let’s pretend this is just a good way to build relationships with people… because I have to. But building relationships is probably an entirely different blog entry. Or series of entries. So watch out for those!.. me. Because I’m the only one that reads these things — that’s actually not true. I only write them.

And now, a message from our sponsor:

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Now I’ll go ahead and hold myself accountable. How do you fix it, Ben? How do make yourself become less dependent on the presence of other people? And why is that even a thing? Most people prefer alone time.

I’ve been writing this blog for three months. I no longer have the above problem.

So we are going to switch gears and talk about how this happened.

The answer: pure ardor, passion, zeal (I don’t know if this is a solution for all people with a similar problem). Zeal for what? You may ask, if you care or have read this far. (If you have, please contact me at 405.431.8446 and let me know so I can commend you).

Zeal for two of the three things listed (creativity and humor, for a recap). What have I cut out the most? People. As they say in college, “you can have two of three things: sleep, a social life, or good grades.”

In my case, I can’t have great friendships if I’m working on other things all of the time.

In my case, I cannot do things in moderation — I put everything into it.

And now my rambling put briefly:

In all of our cases, it’s hard to know ourselves very well.